I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
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