This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
