This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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