What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
