I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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