The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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