Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
