It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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