Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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