somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
