3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
