Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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