my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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