she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
