so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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