The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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