so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
