i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
