you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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