Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
