put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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