Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
You pole danced in your parka.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Randomize
