i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
