Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Randomize
