The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
