My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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