Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Randomize
