so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Randomize
