i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
