i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
