We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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