this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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