my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
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