I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
