so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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