i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
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She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
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i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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