so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
