You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
