I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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