quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
