How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
