I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I am available for nakedness
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
