The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
