I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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