ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
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I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
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