You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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