Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
