Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
