Who did Billy Mays play for?
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
