mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
