Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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