Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
My penis needs a shock collar
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
