I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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