I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
